Princess Beatrice, you know, the one with the fancy hats and royal blood, is about to get a major security upgrade. That’s right, my friends, the Home Office’s Royal Executive and VIP Committee (RAVC) is going to step up its efforts to protect our daughter Bea whenever she’s representing the Royal Family. It’s like having her own personal secret service, but with more tea and more crumpets.
It’s not just about protecting Bea from overzealous hat-lovers or people trying to get her autograph. Oh no, this is where things get spicy. Enter Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Drama herself. Apparently, our girl Meghan isn’t too happy with Bea at the moment. In fact, rumor has it that Meghan has gone full Lolita in Spite of Me and is threatening to see Beatrice. And let me tell you, when Meghan says she wants to “see” someone, she doesn’t mean a friendly cup of tea and a chat about the weather.
Now why, you ask? Well, buckle up, darling, because this is where it gets interesting. Apparently, Beatrice committed the cardinal sin in Meghan’s eyes: she sided with William. That’s right, Beatrice chose Team Cambridge over Team Sussex, and Meghan isn’t having it.
Now, let’s backtrack a bit. Remember Megxit, that debacle where Harry and Meghan decided they’d had enough of royal life and jetted off to California faster than you can say “Netflix deal”? Well, apparently Beatrice wasn’t a fan. In fact, she’s been said to be stabbing Megxit in the back left, right and centre. But wait, there’s more. It’s not just Bea who’s turned her back on Meghan’s grand plan to revolutionise the monarchy. Beatrice’s sister and fellow hat-wearing Princess Eugenie has also jumped ship. And let me tell you, Meghan is not taking this betrayal well.
According to my sources (and by sources, I mean the voices in my head and a few tabloids I read while waiting in line at the grocery store), Meghan went crazy over this betrayal. I mean, can you blame her, guys? She probably thought she had the York sisters in her back pocket. After all, they’re not exactly at the top of the royal hierarchy. But no, it turns out blood is thicker than water, or in this case, thicker than the green juice Meghan is selling these days.
This is where it gets interesting. Bea and Eugenie apparently told Meghan in no uncertain terms: “We don’t want to be part of your royal revenge game against the monarchy.” Ouch, what a burn! That must hurt more than the time Meghan realized she couldn’t put down the Crown Jewels.
But back to Beatrice for a second. This security upgrade isn’t just to protect her from Meghan’s murderous stares. Oh no, it’s way more serious than that. According to my inside sources (i.e. my overactive imagination), RAVC is taking this very seriously. They have Bea on speed dial, they probably have some sort of secret royal locator on her at all times, probably hidden in one of those ridiculous hats, and they’re ready to step in at a moment’s notice if things go south.
In 2011, they were kicked out of the royal protection team, much to the dismay of dear old dad Prince Andrew. But now, it seems, things have changed. Beatrice is back in the security game, baby. But here’s the absolute catch: it’s not a full-time job. No, Bea only gets the royal treatment when she’s out on official royal business. So if she’s just popping into Tesco for milk and biscuits, she’s on her own. But if she’s cutting ribbons, shaking hands and trying not to look bored at charity events, she’s got a whole team backing her up.
How ironic! Meghan and Harry left the UK partly because they were concerned about their safety. They made a big noise, made a big fuss about being in danger, and even tried to pay for their own security, which would have sounded more like Paul Blart the mall security guard than James Bond. And now it’s Beatrice, who is way behind in the line of succession, who is getting the royal treatment. It’s crazy.
Remember when Harry came back to the UK for the Invictus anniversary? Well, guess who was in charge of his security? That’s right, our friends at RAVC, the same people who protect Beatrice. Oh, the sweet irony. I bet this hurts Meghan more than the time she realized she couldn’t trademark “Sussex Royal.”
I can easily picture Meghan walking around their Montecito mansion, plotting her revenge. She probably has a vision board filled with pictures of Beatrice and Eugenie with big red X’s on them. Oh yeah, she’s probably rehearsing dramatic monologues in front of the mirror, practicing her best “you can’t sit with us” face. And let’s be real, she’s probably on the phone with Netflix right now, pitching them a new tell-all deal.
